Sleeping apart sаved my marriage, sharing a secret
My husband and I have been living together for 8 years, and for 7 of those years, we have slept in separate bedrooms. No, it’s not because we argue a lot or because we have children (we don’t), but simply because we prefer it this way. It doesn’t appear to be a big deal, does it?
Who cares if you sleep in separate bedrooms or don’t go on vacation together? The most important thing is to be happy. However, when you make your own rules in your marriage, you may encounter stereotypes that lead you to believe you’re doing everything wrong.
How it all began
I once awoke alone in bed. And I was certain that I had slept with my boyfriend. I crept into the adjacent room and discovered him sleeping peacefully on the couch. «OK, I’ll deal with this in the morning,» I reasoned.
We had the following conversation at breakfast the next day:
— Why did you go to the other room after I lost you last night?
— I couldn’t sleep, you know. You were twisting and turning and breathing loudly, and every time you moved, I woke up.
— Okay, fine. I had no idea I breathed so loudly.
The next night, the same thing happened. We both fell asleep and awoke separately.
So I realized we needed to talk about it.
We realized during the conversation that it was difficult for us to sleep together. My boyfriend remembered all of our arguments because he hadn’t gotten enough sleep: he snored, I woke him up, he didn’t get enough sleep, and he was irritated. Sometimes
I snored, he woke me up, and I couldn’t fall back asleep. It was common for one of us to wake up because it was hot or because the other got up to drink some water, and once I had a strange dream in which I poked my boyfriend in the eye.
Furthermore, we discovered that we had completely opposite sleep schedules. I had a very flexible work schedule at the time, so I was most active in the evenings and at night — I could watch movies and read books until midnight and woke up around 9 a.m. — 10 a.m.
And because my boyfriend needed to be at work by 9 a.m., he needed to get a good night’s sleep. However, due to the issues caused by sleeping together, neither of us could sleep for more than 6-7 hours. As a result, he and I both became irritable, tired, and nervous.
So we decided that it would be best for us to sleep in separate bedrooms, and luckily, we had enough space. To be honest, I didn’t share my boyfriend’s feelings about sleeping separately at first.
It was strange for me because I was accustomed to people sleeping together. My parents only began sleeping apart after their 25th wedding anniversary. And my boyfriend felt great: he fell asleep much faster, woke up easily, made breakfast for us, and went to work with a smile on his face.
Finally, our arguments almost completely stopped — most of our reasons for arguing simply vanished, and both of us became much calmer in general.
I decided to read something scientific about this question, and I came across a book called Two in a Bed: The Social System of Couple Bed Sharing, written by sociology professor Paul C. Rosenblatt.
He concluded that sleeping together frequently leads to the development of psychological problems and can even result in insomnia or other disorders. After interviewing dozens of married couples, the scientist discovered that the bedroom is frequently the «center of tension in the house.»
As a result, spouses frequently argue over trivial matters such as whether it is acceptable to allow pets in the bed or whether it is acceptable to eat or smoke in bed.
Furthermore, many conflicts begin as a result of snoring, watching TV, fighting over the blanket, or a glowing mobile phone screen. Finally, spouses frequently argue about the temperature in the bedroom: some people prefer it hot, while others prefer it cold.
The professor claims that, in most cases, sleeping separately can easily solve the problem, but people can’t fight the stereotype that sleeping together is far more natural.
Dr. Neil Stanley, another sleep expert, stated at the British Science Festival, «Sleep is a selfish activity. Don’t give it to anyone.»
According to psychologists, the requirement to share a bed with someone is also an irritant for men’s psyches.
It is in their nature to defend their sleeping area from potential enemies. As a result, when a man is awake at night, he cannot fully relax. The problem is that when people sleep together, their nervous systems cannot relax and rest properly.
And it’s not as bad for women — it’s easier for them to deal with these issues than it is for men, who prefer sleeping alone. I’m not sure if it’s true, but it was true for my boyfriend.
The horrors of women’s forums
There is still a widely held belief that having separate beds for a husband and his wife is the first sign that something is wrong with their marriage. Alternatively, different blankets are the first sign, and different bedrooms are the clearest indication that this relationship is doomed.
I learned this from women’s forums where everyone agreed: sleeping separately is terrible. The debates went something like this: What about sеx? What about using a spoon? Here’s a classic response to such inquiries:
After reading through many of these comments, I realized that the old stereotypes about sleeping together were still deep within us. Our grandmothers believed in various signs and superstitions that could devastate a marriage.
Some people will remember this: don’t go to bed until you’ve made peace. They tried to apply a simple logic: if the majority of people do it, it must be the right thing to do. Sleeping apart or not going on vacation together is jarring.
I used to believe that nothing could surprise me about relationships in the twenty-first century, but I was so wrong! Sleeping in the same bed with the same blanket is still extremely important.
Celebrities as examples
By the way, it turns out that many people in the United States want to sleep separately. According to one study, approximately 31% of those polled prefer to sleep separately.
According to a National Sleep Foundation survey, nearly one in every four American couples sleep in separate bedrooms or beds.
I also discovered that many celebrities prefer to sleep alone. George and Amal Clooney, for example, prefer to sleep separately. The reason for this is that George snores loudly and Amal’s sleep is never deep.
In addition, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas decided to sleep in separate bedrooms. Catherine once stated that she did not want to appear unattractive in front of her husband,
so she and Michael agreed to sleep apart. Who knows, maybe it’s because of this that they’ve been happily married for 19 years.
