That’s why I photograph myself nаked! What everyone is silent about
An American journalist and blogger candidly tells Elite Daily about her experience of accepting herself. When I first received my new MacBook Pro, I turned on the camera and began to carefully analyze my body.
I undressed, clicked on the red button. But I didn’t film myself nаked to send to someone who was in love with me. The fact is that I terribly did not like what I saw on the screen. My nаked body scared me.
For a long time I tried to see myself as beautiful, but as a result, I was only finally convinced that my body was terrible. I deleted all the files and covered myself with as much cloth as possible. I struggled with body dysmorphic long before I knew the term.
Our family was in a panic about our diets with my sister. There was nothing sweet in the family kitchen, no carbohydrates and no snacks.
I counted calories, but became more and more dissatisfied with my appearance. In high school, the relationship with the body became even more painful.
My body seemed to me a prison and something that stands between me and my happiness. Either she was on a diet, then she broke down and started eating everything.
My asеxual body has become my number one enemy. Then a funny thing happened — the body started to change. I began to grow at a rapid pace. According to American beauty standards, I became more attractive.
On the way to school, I heard compliments from guys.
The boys began to invite me on dates. But their attention and approval didn’t matter. I still resented my body. No amount of flattery could make me consider myself worthy of love, let alone desire.
In college, when my sеx life did start, I still felt awkward. I couldn’t make love with the lights on. And if my boyfriend said something about my appearance, I shuddered sharply.
«What’s happened?» he asked, afraid to upset me. But I could not let anyone into my head, which was dominated by a distorted mirror.
In my second semester, I was diagnosed with a gluten allergy. He made me rethink my relationship with food. They have become more intelligent. Weaning ourselves from negative thoughts and habits, however, was a longer process.
Fortunately, I have found that I can combat my self-loathing moments through yoga and therapy. But while I was technically healthier than ever at the time, I knew I was still avoiding head-on confrontation with my body.
A few years later, I was back where I started: nаked, scared, and staring into the lens of my camera. I went back to my parents to save money. Ironically, I even stood in the same bedroom.
So much has changed: I graduated from college, I had a serious relationship, and I started my first full-time job.
But I continued to protect myself from my body. After undressing, I set the timer, closed my eyes, held my breath, and waited for the flash to sound.
For a split second, I worried that all the work I had done on myself, both physical and mental, would be in vain. And in the photo I see a monster.
